I'm glad I'm done with Craiglist for a while

It's a tough housing market for renters out there, and I don't need to deal with this type of invidious discrimination against a suspect class.

Sue Simmons drops the F bomb

Veteran NBC New York news anchor Sue Simmons - usually a very classy broad - accidentally let an expletive fly during the 10 O'Clock news the other night. She sounds pissed at some jackass. My grandparents heard it and were appalled, so I had to find it on Youtube and make it available for public consumption here.

TX teens know how to party

I enjoy every second of this story. The last line is a fitting end, too.

Attention all Claymates

Major Clay Aiken developments can be seen here. OMG...I love the new look!

This guy is worse than a pedophile

These heinous actions are almost unspeakable. What happened to the toothpick? WHERE DID IT GO?

Also, what are the elements of wizardry?

Headline writers are out of control

This headline easily destroys the sea lion killing / salmon war headline from the other day. I refuse to even stoop to the level of proposing ways to flip this to make it funnier.

Just kidding, I'll be thinking about it for the rest of the night. And giggling.

Modified Donkey Punch

Well worth the misdemeanor disorderly conduct he's going to receive.

River surfing, powered by dynamite

This video seems vaguely hoaxy to me, but not completely implausible, so I'm going to just accept it as legit because it comes from Quicksilver. These dudes throw TNT into a river and then their buddy paddles into the little waist-high wave that results. Awesome idea and execution. Not as sweet as the guys who surfed the waves caused by the calving glacier in Alaska, but commendable nonetheless.

This week's sign of the apocalypse

This kind of stuff is making me hope that the Chinese just hurry it up and invade this country. We deserve it.

:::PUKES:::

Check out this insipid op-ed from a Yale Law School 1L. I'm surprised that the Christian Science Monitor, which is usually a very respectable newspaper, ran something this useless. It reads like she tweaked her horridly liberal and self-absorbed personal statement just a little bit and sent it out at the behest of the Yale PR department.

Outback Wins!

Men's Health has bestowed the Outback Cheese fries with the prestigious title of the "Worst Food in America." That's an impressive accomplishment considering this is AMERICA we're talking about. These are one of my all-time favorite appetizers, and I have consumed a whole order by myself before eating a steak. I didn't know what the nutritional stats were for these things until now, but I'm not that surprised by the stunning fat/calorie numbers: 2,900 calories and 182 grams of fat!

Who's laughing now?

I apologize in advance for the tasteless caption in light of the stories I'm going to post. This story caught my eye mainly for the ultra-descriptive headline-writing: "Sea lions shot dead on Columbia River as salmon battle rages." This is how I imagine the climactic final mission of the Oregon Trail video game would have gone down if GTA4's designers had created it.

Those salmon fishermen at least have a reason to take matters into their own hands and wipe out the competition for the increasingly rare and pricey Chinooks that swim up the Columbia, but this related story is even more disgusting. If you've ever driven up the Central California coast along the PCH and stopped to see the elephant seals in their rookery near San Simeon you probably understand my disapproval. Some yokel shot and killed three of these beasts for no good reason. I know that the elephant seals are ornery as hell and occasionally take a bite out of an innocent NorCal surfer (who is already miserably cold and worried enough about sharks), but it makes no sense to shoot them. These are objectively awesome animals. All they do is lumber around the beach and fight each other, and they are incredibly fun to watch. The Feds are on it at least, so hopefully they'll catch the bastard and have him square off in the gladiators ring against one of the big ones.

Hilarious ATL Post

For anybody who missed it, I assure you that this video of John Conyers' wife arguing with an 8th grader is well worth the 4 minutes. A junior high student lays it on Monica Conyers, the pro-tem president of the Detroit City Council, for inappropriately arguing with the counsel's president during a meeting and calling him "Shrek." This woman is a loud-mouthed idiot, and its obvious that that fucked-up city needs better leadership than her.

Pac-Man explained

Most art is a huge scam, but this is genius.

Obligatory daily GTA4 post

Full disclosure: I was one of the elite group of nerds who waited in line at midnight to purchase this game, so I have a serious axe to grind with anybody who badmouths it. Oh yeah, it also didn’t work on my old-ass POS 360 due to technical issues so I went out and bought a new one the next day.

Side-note: if you want to purchase my old-ass XBOX that doesn’t work very well, please let me know because I will cut you a sweet deal on it. I’m a generous guy, I know.

Anyway, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, one of the most well-organized, influential, well-intentioned, and obnoxious special interest groups in all the land is already setting the gears in motion to publicly shame and harass GTA4’s producer Rockstar Games.

For anyone unfortunate enough to not have played this game yet, it is worth pointing out that the amount of detail the programmers put into the game is absurd. Besides doing missions and randomly killing people or crashing cars in hilarious ways, you are expected to build up relationships with other characters in the game by doing things like calling them up on your cell-phone and inviting them to join you for fun activities like shooting pool, going bowling, or hitting up the local dive bar for a few fine Chardonnays. Building relationships helps your character by giving you back-up when you get involved in dicey situations or reviving your health after a roll in the hay with a new lady-friend.

MADD, of course, is pissed at the fact that the game allows you to go to the bar and then stumble out and drive your friends back to their homes. Their public statement is right here. This knee-jerk reaction condemning the game’s developers for including this new feature misses the mark for the same reason that most of the Grand Theft Auto critics do: it demonstrates that they are out of touch and haven’t played it.

Driving drunk in this game is hard as fuck, and it often gets you into serious trouble. If a police officer sees you driving in this state, even if you do nothing else wrong, you get a wanted level and risk getting arrested. Just today, I went out with my cousin and got e-shitfaced and attempted to drive him home. I had planned to undertake a lengthy mission right after I dropped him off, but I got screwed when I crashed my car, it caught fire and exploded and killed my beloved cousin Roman. I managed to escape getting fucked by the long dick of the law myself, but it still put a crimp in my action to have to go out of my way soon afterwards to pick his reincarnated soul up at the hospital and drive him back home. I was sober this time.

It’s a funny diversion, but most kids probably understand after playing the game that driving drunk gets you into all kind of bad situations that are otherwise avoidable. MADD should relax, recognize that kids realize drunk driving is a choice, and focus on raising their children to tell the difference between right and wrong. I bet you anything a lawsuit is going to follow in the wake of this, and I hope to god it goes down in flames at the hands of a judge wielding his equitable powers like a black-robed, freedom-loving champion. Fucking nanny-staters.

Hero Scientist to Peanut Allergies: "Fuck you."

Dr. Wesley Burks, a brash researcher at Duke University Medical Center, claims he is going to smack down this weak-ass allergy within the next five years. This article also backs up my causation theories: "too little exposure to infectious agents in early childhood can raise one's susceptibility to allergic reactions." If Dr. Burks is wrong and these allergies are still around by the time I have kids, I'm going to be making it rain peanuts over their cribs.